My car wouldn’t start for almost 60 minutes on Christmas Eve. I needed to go home as per every year to celebrate with the family the next day. Of course this has happened before, I use a car older than me to travel around, but knowing I have plans the next day, this should be a big disappointment. Why did I use ‘should’? Because I was calm through the hour attempting to turn the ignition of my 1992 Honda Grand Civic. The ‘Adhika’ that everyone knows would be fuming and raging on why this car couldn’t start at all.

Last week, I went to a football match in a stadium I have never been in to watch my home country (Indonesia) play Thailand in a regional ASEAN competition. Before the match kicked off, I realize my phone went missing from my pocket. Granted, the conditions entering the stadium was packed with a sea of humans trying to get into the stadium through one small gate (I blame the organizers for not doing their job properly for this one though), and my phone was probably stolen during this time. However, the only response that came out of my mouth was “Thank God it was only my phone and not my wallet” and just did not care about the aftermath to enjoy the match where we won 2-1. Even if we lost, I highly doubt that my response would be any different. The ‘Adhika’ of old would be pissed and go home afterwards regardless if the match have not yet started, as 8 years ago he had his phone stolen in the middle of an Akon concert and did not even bother to finish the show. He was 15, don’t judge his taste in music.

A few months ago, I, what others would say, was in a ‘messy’ academical situation. I am doing a dual-degree for my Bachelors Degree in two countries (Indonesia and Australia), and I am doing terribly. I was in danger of getting dropped out from my University in Indonesia due to administrative errors out of my control, and I was too late to renew my student visa in Australia that forced me to not enroll for at least one semester. I was in a position that I probably wouldn’t get either degree, and also jeopardize my future. The usual ‘Adhika’ would be panicking and crying for regretting every little decision he has made in the past that would end up in this current position – which is very normal considering what is happening. But the ‘Adhika’ that came about was not worrying one bit and just finalize the needed documents to get a new visa and not get expelled.

This new worry-free ‘Adhika’ at 23 is not the person I have known and accepted since forever. I came to the terms that ‘Adhika’ was this immature, clumsy boy who would always doubt about his past-present-future. The ‘Adhika’ that I know in these situations above would have a breakdown so hard, but this new ‘Adhika’ of late has handled these situations even better than anyone would expect. I know I am at the age where I should be more mature and more focused in dealing with tough situations, but this side of ‘Adhika’ seem to appear overnight without a visible warning.

Worrying would be the characteristic that would explain me well, but worrying never a single second appeared in these situations. Imagining an ‘Adhika’ not worrying about his problems is similar to imagining a broker not worrying about the stock market. How is ‘Adhika’ not worrying about this all? Now I’m worrying about ‘Adhika’ not worrying. I am very concerned to the whereabouts of ‘Adhika’ is. What has happened to you? Is this still the same person? Who are you, and what have you done to the old ‘Adhika’?

To be fair, this was the person I have been searching for. This ‘cannot be arsed’ personality was the type of guy I would usually look up to for advice. He would see things from a bigger picture as he would step back from reality to observe what needed to be done, instead of the self-involved kid that would try to solve things without thinking. The problem is that this ‘Adhika’ of late came out of nowhere, and I was not ready for his presence. I became so used to the immature boy that would let anything let him down and overreact to everything that I have come to accept that was what ‘Adhika’ was.

Nothing has ever bothered this new ‘Adhika’. He doesn’t even remember the last time he had a sleepless night regretting past choices, because this new ‘Adhika’ sleeps like a log. I do not know who or what killed ‘Adhika’, but it was a necessary evil that needed to die. I guess I have to accept this ‘Adhika’ for what he is and bestow him the chance to impress under this identity. Feliz Navidad, hermanos y hermanas.